Saturday, March 13, 2010

...The End Leads to the Beginning

So it was earlier this week that I posted this and I was quite taken aback by the heartfelt responses.

Being a hyper-sensitive person can be quite overwhelming at times. I felt like I had backed myself into a corner and was living out (not literally!) that common dream of standing naked in front of hundreds of people. Sensitivity can often be a gift, having your senses permanently turned up to 11 can be wonderful but when they get out of kilter it can be extremely stressful.

Land art and hill walking are my solace, my place to escape from the noise of the world and the noise inside my head. To feel nature close up and to let the beauty and wonder fill your senses and mind, there is nothing else that comes close.

And yet my art ceased to become my solace, I struggled with it and found no peace. Self-imposed pressure meant that my creativity dried up and with it the space to be and to think. My art did not flow out of me like it once did and I lost my ability to escape. The search for peace and solitude came first and my art appeared out of that. It doesn't work to try and find peace through forcing myself to create. It needs to be the other way around.

And so all of this came to a head when the abusive emails started to arrive and those were the final straw. I felt completely raw and exposed to anything and everything anyone had to say with no place to escape.

So I went for a walk. And another. And another. And another...

The fog was starting to clear.

So today I went out to create something with no intention of sharing it with anyone. Perhaps someone will chance upon it whilst walking and it will brighten their day. Making it brightened mine and I felt relieved to have found an escape again, to make something only for fun and because I want to.

I think I will need to this for a while to find my inner voice once again, but I will surely be back and firing on all cylinders again.

I don't think I will ever grow a thicker skin, I have always been this way and I expect I will always take criticism badly but I wouldn't change my sensitivty for the world as it presents me with many great gifts on so many occasions even if it can be a bind at other times.

Ironically, after the ****storm on Reddit and the resultant nasty emails my stats went through the roof. But weirdly it had nothing to do with the picture that made it on to Completely coincidentally a Korean website posted my 'Stack'' and 'Balance' sets the day after and since then I have had 40,000 hits one day and 16,000 the two days following. The Equilibrium Stack then made it onto Reddit and the comments are much more kind: "I'll bet he uses glue" and "Nah, they are really easy to make - it's not proper rock balancing." I can cope with that, not so happy being called a ***** as I was on the other one but being called Andy Bronzeworthy did raise a smile!

This morning on the news they said that this spring is going to be a belter. Due to the very cold weather we have had everything is going to sprout at once. The daffodils are late, crocusses are just starting to appear and it seems we may see everything coming to life at once.

This episode, then, will hopefully be just a blip (like all my 'episodes') as I get lost in the majesty of spring and find myself by losing myself once again.

I also hope that I can't start writing something funny again, I am sure you are wishing that too!

No comments: